Five reasons why Liverpool won’t win the title


It already seems there is no way to stop Liverpool winning the league. Wrong. There are at least five reasons.

Sure, Jurgen Klopp’s side have made a flawless start to their title defence thus far and all their traditional major rivals are kind of rubbish or managed by imbeciles or both but that doesn’t mean there is nothing that can stop Liverpool winning a second Premier League crown this season.

Here are five things that could easily, or at least theoretically, scupper the Reds.

1. The Rona shuts everything down again

Not a banter. It was the only thing that came close to stopping Liverpool winning the league last season and already looks the likeliest challenger this time around. My theory is that this season is actually far more likely to be cancelled than last season, because any lengthy interruption will come far earlier in the campaign. One of the primary reasons (behind money, obviously, that was still the main one) the 2019/20 season got finished was because the break came right in the sweet spot where too much football had been played to just sack it off but too much football was left for it to be fair to just hand out titles and relegations and whatnot based on how things stood.

This time the opposite will be true. Not even this Liverpool side are going to get themselves an unassailable 20-point lead inside 10 games, fraudulent charlatans that they are, so when the second lockdown shuts everything with almost 30 games to go there will be far less unfairness in declaring the season null and void while pretending there remained a vanishingly remote, largely theoretical but technically-measurable-with-specialist-equipment chance that Liverpool wouldn’t have gone on to win the league.

2. Jurgen Klopp becomes obsessed with Roy Keane’s three-star review

After Roy Keane declares on Sky Sports that Liverpool’s first-half performance “dipped in the middle” Jurgen Klopp laughs a bit like a maniac before announcing he won’t let it bother him, insisting he actually feels a bit sorry for Keane, and declaring the former Manchester United enforcer to be nothing more than a “f***ing… f***er”. And anyway he’s made a weapon he can use against Keane if he ever meets him: it’s a toilet chain stuck into a ball of plasticine with fish hooks on it. You swing it into his face and the fish hooks get stuck in his cheek. It doesn’t hurt going in, that’s not what hurts; it’s when it comes out, because it pulls a big chunk out of your cheek.

Liverpool’s on-field results inevitably suffer.

3. Everton do a Leicester

With all due respect to the relentless and genuinely thrilling excellence of Liverpool’s football for well over two years now, we are firmly on board the Everton train this season. My word what a tremendous amount of fun they are, and the truly tantalising thing is that they now have some players and most importantly a manager who are used to success and therefore might not necessarily go and make a total Everton of the thing. They probably will still go and do that, but the crucial point is they might not.

With City, United and Chelsea all slightly different flavours of sh*t and Spurs and Arsenal remaining very much Spurs and Arsenal, it is to the Toffees we must turn. And whatever your allegiance, you’d have to have a rock where your heart should be not to find the idea of Everton scuppering Liverpool very, very funny indeed.

4. Leicester do a Leicester

I was very confident of two things before a ball was kicked this season. The first was that Liverpool were still demonstrably the best team in the country and it was very weird they weren’t favourites for the title having just won it by a million points. The second was that Leicester were doomed to follow The Tottenham Path and start this season as miserably as they finished the last. Delighted to have achieved a 50% passing grade on those two predictions and we’ll just immediately gloss over some thoughts about James Rodriguez or, f***ing hell, Southampton that also already appear to be the deranged ramblings of an idiot because they are.

The two potential spanners in the works with Leicester doing a Leicester are the aforementioned collapse last year from Champions League form to relegation form and the inconvenient fact that doing a Leicester is now even more difficult than the last time Leicester did a Leicester. The really clever part of Leicester’s previous Leicester was that they did it at a time when all the Big Six clubs were stumbling around with their cocks out to a greater or lesser degree. That is now only 83.33% true. Leicester won the league with ‘only’ 81 points and, realistically, they’re going to need to find at least another 15 on top of that this time around.

5. Ennui

Manchester City and Pep Guardiola ultimately simply got bored of being unbelievably, relentlessly brilliant at football. The same thing could theoretically happen to Liverpool.


Edited by Tiyani wa ka Mabasa

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